This house was built for laser tag.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
