Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
