She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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