i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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