Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
