You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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