it hurts more in the daytime
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
