I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
