There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
