my phone needs a breathalizer
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
