what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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