What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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