Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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