How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
