stop calling my apartment porn island.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
