My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
