I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.