A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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