Girls should come with a carfax report
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
