the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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