About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
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Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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