Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
