the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
