The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
