Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
