Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
