Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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