I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
two words: eviction party
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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