My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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