the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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