My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
