I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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