well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
