omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
