Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
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I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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