my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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