shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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