I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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