i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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