Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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