Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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