We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
