Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's shark week go big or go home
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
