I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
