So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
