Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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