Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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