im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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