It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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