I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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