Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
