No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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