Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
