i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
