Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
