HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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