Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
