I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
