i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
