so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
